— The first time the question was posed to me was in the early ’90s in Ontario, Calif., at a burger joint. The waitress asked if I was the twin sister of the guy who worked at the video store on the corner. “No,” I said. “I’m visiting from Minnesota and definitely don’t have a twin.”
“Wow,” she said. “You look identical. You should really go see if he’s working tonight to see it for yourself.”
Since then at least once a year I get stopped at women’s conferences, in airports, and even close to home by people who are new in town asking if I have a sister in Sunburg, a cousin in Edmonton, Alberta, a twin in North Carolina, etc. Just last month I was in a furniture store with a friend when one of the clerks looked at me and said, “I recognize you. You’re in here a lot!” If he thinks every 12 to 18 months is frequent shopping, I guess he’s right. More than likely he’s confused me with someone else.
The attention from strangers has lost its luster, for the only thing I can come up with to have so many “relatives” across North America since my mother is faithful through and through to my dad is that I have a very common face.
Common. Everyday. Ordinary. Not usually on our top 10 list of goals for life. Everyone wants to be unique and be celebrated for his or her own identity and significance. Maybe that’s what makes it so frustrating for babies in the family who feel lost in the shadows of their siblings or annoying for adults who have siblings who’ve “made it” in life and they’re feeling the ordinariness of working 9 to 5.
Within our own family oldest daughter, Elizabeth, and youngest daughter, Melanie, are often told how much they look like one another. At a Christmas party when Melanie was sitting at the table with her back facing Elizabeth’s hubby, Mark, he sat down next her and was mid-sentence when he realized whom he was talking to.
“Oh ... you’re not my wife,” he said. Melanie was quick to agree. The look-alike scenario can irritate Elizabeth and Melanie who desire their own identities, and can equally bother middle daughter Stephanie who wonders if she belongs!
Whether you have a common face or have never, not even once, been confused with someone else I’ve read and heard that we all have three primary life questions that we need answered.
Who am I? People need to know their identity and often introduce themselves through their identity: I’m a housewife, a farmer, a mother, grandfather, businesswoman, etc.
Where do I belong? People need the security of knowing that they belong and they define that through their family, church, community, workplace, etc. It’s true no matter what the economic status or culture. The elite who pay membership dues to country clubs and those who pay their dues for street gang initiation both want the same thing — a place to belong.
What I am I supposed to do? People need to know their significance. They need a purpose to get up in the morning. They want their life to count. With that as a primary life question it’s no wonder that Rick Warren’s book “The Purpose-Driven Life: What On Earth Am I Here For?” sold over 10 million copies and counting.
When it comes to life’s questions I agree with pastor and author Chip Ingram who recently wrote, “The most important question you will ever ask — or answer — is this: Who are you becoming?” Are you becoming more patient, generous and caring? Are your relationships with family and friends strengthening?
Chip continues, speaking the language of farm families. “Everything is either growing or dying. It’s true of your emotions, your faith, your work and your family. All of these things are either in the process of growing deeper, richer and better or they are atrophying, crumbling and dying.”
It only takes a growing season or more to know firsthand the sick feeling in your gut when a corn or soybean plant starts to weaken and wither. When farmers see it they do everything within their power to reverse it, including the one thing that can — pray. From planting through harvest, we talk around dinner tables and pick-up trucks about what is becoming of the crops.
What better time than winter to evaluate what our lives are becoming. Whether you resemble your sister or have a dozen or more look-alikes roaming North America, it’s a question worth pondering. Who are you becoming?
No matter what the stage of your life, may we all keep growing deeper in our relationships, richer in kindness, and better in extending grace to all.
•••
Lenae Bulthuis is a wife, mom and friend who muses from her back porch on a Minnesota grain and livestock farm.
