February 14, 2008 08:47 am
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During our traditional “Newlywed Game” on my husband’s side of the family over the holidays, my sister-in-law Michele posed this question to the ladies. “If you had to choose a vehicle to describe yourself, what vehicle would you choose?”
“Oh, great,” I inwardly mused. “The only thing I know about vehicles is their color. I know nothing about a car’s name, make or model. I’ll look pathetic and large if I describe myself as a mini van. Ugh.”
The wheels spun in my head until finally I came up with a vehicle that wasn’t a van. Remembering the car Mike drove before we dated I looked at Michele and said, “I’d describe myself as a Firebird!”
Mike held up his sign that read, “Mini van.” He gave me a quick squeeze and said, “Sorry, dear, I didn’t think you’d be able to come up with a vehicle name besides a van.”
To add insult to injury, oldest daughter Elizabeth’s fiancé Mark also described her as a mini van, thinking she too wouldn’t be able to come up with a vehicle name. Rather then accept his sincere apology, Elizabeth protested and Mark dug himself a deeper doghouse. “You’re good with kids, you want to be a mom someday, a van transports lots of children ...” That one took a bit more to soothe over.
When the final points were tallied, it was Mark and Elizabeth who championed over their uncle and aunt, parents and grandparents. They also took home the rotating prize — a small plaque that reads: “I Kiss Better than I Cook.”
Although kissing and cooking are two methods to heal conflict, author Emerson Eggerichs says that the primary key to healthy marriages is love and respect. In his book, “Love and Respect,” he writes about the deep need for a wife to receive love from her husband, and for a husband to receive respect from his wife. He says, “A wife needs love and a husband needs respect like they need air to breathe.”
Isn’t the opposite also true? Doesn’t a husband need love; a wife respect? Yes, but there seems to be a unique dying within when a wife doesn’t receive the love she most desires and a husband doesn’t receive the respect he desperately needs.
Emerson calls it the Crazy Cycle.
Being referred to as crazy a time or two from my own hubby, I read on. Emerson’s Crazy Cycle is as follows:
• If a husband doesn’t show love for his wife for who she is, she reacts negatively in ways that show a lack of respect for him.
• Hurt by that lack of respect, he then reacts with even less love for her.
Round and round the Crazy Cycle goes into a downward spiral that can lead spouses to either split or live in misery ’til death do them part. Not exactly the happily-ever-after reality that newlywed dreams are made of.
One of our first newlywed conflicts was when Mike asked me to help load hogs. Through years of experience, he directed the pigs to the trailer opening while I proceeded to round them up like cattle. My method worked great on the dairy farm I grew up on, but was ineffective with pigs, causing increased frustration to my new hubby.
When I let the same pig run past me more times than I’ve allowed the years to remember, it climaxed. This part I remember. Mike released a string of inappropriate barn language and I dropped my pig panel, slammed the barn door, and tried to keep Mike’s oversized boots on my feet while I stomped to the house. Cooking, kissing and uncountable apologies pacified that experience and a host of other now laughable and memorable moments over the past 20-plus years.
So how does one loosen the chains and break free from the Crazy Cycle?
One thing is for certain the answer isn’t in waiting for your spouse to make the first move. Emerson writes, “the No. 1 problem in marriage is avoidance. Who is going to move first on this? ... Who is going to be the first to say, ‘You know what? I apologize. I came across as unloving.’”
Freedom comes in making the first move toward your spouse, not toward the house or toward the barn (depending on where the clash began). Conflicts are resolved when we humbly apologize, sincerely love and take action to make things right.
Wives, give your husbands respect. Husbands, give your wives love — and flowers wouldn’t hurt the situation any either.
Lenae Bulthuis is a freelance writer and speaker. She has one husband, three daughters and zero tolerance for anyone who doesn’t love chocolate. She may be reached at mlbulthuis@frontiernet.net.
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