The Back Porch: Grace helps when living with loved one’s differences

<i>Originally published in the June 26, 2009, print edition.</i>

For my birthday last year I begged my hubby for an overnight trip to Duluth.

The purpose was two-fold: 1) to enjoy my favorite Minnesota city with my favorite guy; and 2) to run away from any potential surprise 40th party that my children or friends may have been tempted to throw. It was a good move. It was a sweet celebration without any awkward surprises.

This year we did it all over again — different city, same guy. I love the new tradition.

“It’s your day,” Mike repeatedly says, and that’s how the day’s course is determined — from how long we sleep in, to where we’ll eat, what we’ll see and where we’ll stop along the way. I highly recommend this magical 24-hour practice for all those who struggle with the aging process.

On the way out of town, I asked if he wanted to stop at Fleet Farm. After all, it’s right up the street, and it is a must-stop shopping destination for farmers. He wanted to go. I didn’t, but that’s all good. “Why don’t you drop me off at the bookstore and pick me up when you’re finished?” I suggested.

He couldn’t fathom the suggestion. “Do you realize that I could be gone for an hour or more?” he asked. “What will you do in a bookstore for that long?” How could anyone spend that much time browsing books? Certainly dementia was setting in early.

Amazing how opposites attract, isn’t it? For those who are married, I don’t know how things unfolded when you first met your spouse, but for Mike and I all we could see was how much we had in common. A few months after marriage, what was most noticeable was all the ways we were different.

Let’s hone in on just one example. I follow rules. He sees rules as mere guidelines. When Cynthia Ulrich Tobias explained the dominant concrete random learning style in her book, “The Way They Learn,” I laughed aloud. She and my hubby Mike definitely share the same personality trait.

She tells a story of one Christmas when she went shopping with her sister Sandee (who shares my personality type), and one of Sandee’s small children. They got to the escalator with the stroller, when Sandee noted the sign that read, “No strollers allowed on the escalator.”

While Sandee was reading the sign, Cynthia got busy loading the stroller onto the escalator.

Cynthia writes, “Sandee was horrified. ‘The sign says no strollers on the escalator!’ she cried.

“I looked at her. ‘Oh, are the stroller police going to get us?’ I asked sarcastically. ‘Sandee, this sign is for people who don’t know how to safely put a stroller on an escalator. Since I do, it doesn’t apply to me.’”

That’s my hubby! Those well-meaning gentlemen who direct pickup trucks into parking spots at farm sales irritate him. He knows how to park and where to park, thank you very much.

When Brad borrowed Mike’s trailer for a day, he said to Mike, “The lights aren’t working on it, but if I get stopped I’ll just pretend that I’m a farmer.” Seems it’s well recognized and understood that many farmers think the rules don’t apply to them.

Probably didn’t surprise the police officer one bit when she stopped Mike for a seatbelt violation and his response was, “I thought there was a law that farmers didn’t need to buckle up if they were doing farm business.” I’m not sure how many years she’s been in law enforcement, but this was a new one to her.

Bookstores vs. the Fleet Farm, rules vs. guidelines ... you may have a running list of differences between you and your spouse or siblings, too. If your response to those differences is to try to change the other person, let me save you some time: it’s not going to work. Life will be better for you when you fully understand that changing them is not an option.

Sadly, differences can and do divide families. So what’s the effective choice? Mark your relationships and your homes with conspicuous grace. Extend much grace, favor and blessing to those who are different than you, and celebrate your uniqueness.

They say variety is the spice of life, and life certainly would be boring if we were all the same.

Lenae Bulthuis is a wife, mom and friend who muses from her back porch on a Minnesota grain and livestock farm. Connect with her on her blog at http://lsbmusings.wordpress.com.